Parenting Step Parenting Blending Families Counseling Andrew Hoffman Essex Morris Union County NJ Therapist

Parenting, Step-Parenting and Blending Families

Due to issues such as differing parenting and discipline styles, the development of new relationships, and strong and potentially conflicting emotions from all sides, it may take time for one family to get used to living with the other family, even if they all got along before the families began living under the same roof.

The couple may face difficulties adjusting to their new roles as part of a larger family, rather than just as a couple, and issues that arise with a partner’s children may place tension on their newly formed bond.

Individuals who do not have children of their own, and are thus becoming parents for the first time when they enter the stepparent role, might face additional stress as they become accustomed to the new role along with a new marriage.

They may struggle to find the right balance between winning the affection and love of the children and parenting them appropriately, and it may take time to adjust to parenthood and be welcomed by a partner’s children.

Family therapy is often an effective way for a blended family to work through the issues that each member brings to the new family. Family members can expect to attend most sessions as a group, though the therapist may also schedule separate, supplemental sessions with each child and with one or both parents.

There are many approaches to family counseling, though most are linked to family systems therapy, which views the family as a system and each member’s role as being directly informed by the functioning of the family system.

Parents face the challenge of sorting out their new roles and setting boundaries with regards to parenting, discipline, financial obligations, and time. Family therapy can help address these issues, and a therapy session also provides a platform for each member to voice his or her feelings in a respectful way.

Children can express their fears and concerns and, through therapy, come to a better understanding about their place within the new family unit and may be reassured about their parent’s continued love and affection for them. Parents might also learn ways to maintain a healthy relationship with their children while building a new and loving bond with their spouse and stepchildren.

Challenges Children Face

Children, especially older children, can easily become stressed by change, particularly when multiple changes occur at once.

Children are often the ones most affected by the blending of a family: After children have experienced the divorce of their parents, they may find it difficult to adjust to a new parent and that parent’s new rules, and they might express their frustration with behavioral or emotional outbursts.

Some children may also struggle with feelings for the new parent: Before the blending, a child may view a parent’s significant other as a friend, but when the significant other becomes a parent, the child may resent what he or she views as a “replacement” of his or her other parent.

Children might also be reluctant to trust a stepparent, especially those who may feel abandoned by a biological parent following a divorce. Further, when the child comes to care for the stepparent, he or she may struggle with the new emotions, as the child may feel that love for the stepparent somehow betrays his or her biological parent.

Sibling rivalry can also take on a new dimension, as children may feel compelled to compete for attention and dominance in the new household. A child may also worry that his or her biological parents may come to prefer the child’s step-siblings.

Visitations with the other parent can also present difficulties. What was once the “normal” routine—one family spending unscheduled and unstructured time together every day, planning events in a flexible or spontaneous manner – gives way to what can be a confusing, insecure pattern, where scheduling conflicts create tension, and new family members may find it difficult to find the time to get used to one another.

In addition, children may complain about the stepparent to the “outside” parent, which can strain relations in what may already be a tense relationship.

Grief can also be a factor in the transition. When a remarriage takes place following the death of one parent, a child may still be grieving the loss of the other parent and could be further triggered by the remarriage.

Children in these situations will often need more space and time to finish the grieving process before they can come to accept the new parent.
Parenting Step Parenting Blending Families Counseling Andrew Hoffman Essex Morris Union County NJ Therapist

How Can Step-Families Succeed?

Studies show that it generally takes between two and five years for a blended family to transition successfully.

The first few years may prove difficult for some families, but when members of the family recognize that the new family will not be the same as the previous family, learn to respect each other, acknowledge the time needed to accept the changes and give new relationships time to form, they will often be able to succeed as a family.

Adults who are planning to remarry or cohabitate with children from previous relationships might wish to plan ahead and prepare to face challenges by talking with one another and with their children about any possible differences in parenting styles and positive ways to handle any conflicts that might arise.

When parenting changes take place before the actual marriage, the transition to living together will often go more smoothly.

Praise, encouragement, and demonstrated affection may all help ease the concerns of children who are reluctant to trust a stepparent or who are worried that a biological parent might come to love them less. Parents may also wish to reassure their children that they will answer any questions and discuss any feelings the children might have.

I solicit each family member for their perspective on the problem, thus making family therapy an opportunity to make every voice heard and to see things from all points of view.

My role is to help identify strengths and enhance family functioning along a number of channels, so that each member can develop healthy strategies to coexist within the family system.

Parenting Step Parenting Blending Families Counseling Andrew Hoffman Essex Morris Union County NJ Therapist

Tips For Blending Families:

Focus on Individual Relationships

Although some parents are eager to be “one big happy family” early on, it’s often a good idea to take things slow and put more emphasis on nurturing individual relationships.  Stepparents need time alone with their stepchildren to get to know them, and learn to appreciate who they are and what they like, away from the rest of the family.

A stepparent can set aside fifteen or thirty minutes (up to an hour each week) of special time with their stepchild.  It’s a time when the child gets to do whatever they want, within the limits of safety and reason. While avoiding instructing, teaching, or critiquing their stepchild, stepmom or stepdad is there to follow their stepchild’s lead and to fill them with appreciation and respect.

This is an opportunity to find common interests, and create a space that feels safe and relaxed enough for both child and adult to really show one another who they are.  These times can set the foundation for a strong and loving relationship between a stepparent and stepchild.

For example, one day when my step-daughter was ten, I picked her up from school and asked her what she wanted to do for special time.  She said she wanted to go jogging.  “Jogging?!” I thought.  “I barely get to yoga class these days!”  But that was what she wanted, so we put on our running shoes and yoga pants and headed out the door.

In the first twenty seconds of our run, she looked at me and said, “So how are you, Julie?  This is a good time to talk,” and she beamed a warm smile my way.  I tried to talk through my huffing and puffing.  She didn’t seem to mind that at times I had to walk, or couldn’t talk, she just seemed glad that I was there, and that I was willing to push myself in a place that was hard for me…just to be with her.  We had a lovely time together, running, walking, huffing, puffing, and talking.  We spent the rest of the day lying in the sun reading and doing homework.

Parents also need special time with their biological children—again, a time where the child is given the opportunity to direct the play or decide on the outing.  Special time reminds a child how important they are to their parent, even as the household changes and parents put their attention on a new partner or other children.

Couples need special time together as well.  Stresses on all sides can mount quickly in stepfamilies, days can be busy, and alone time between couples can easily be put on the back burner.  Make time at least once a month to be together without kids— go to the movies, grab dinner, or squeeze in a walk during lunch time.

Support Children in Their Transitions

Moving back and forth from one household to another isn’t easy.  Transition days can be tough.  It is a time when big feelings can erupt and small incidents more easily set children off.

If a child begins to cry about going to mommy’s house, or about a granola bar she dropped as she was heading out the door, or a shirt she couldn’t find, lean in, make eye contact, and listen.  If a child is allowed to cry, instead of burying her feelings away, chances are her day will go better.

Making room for feelings to erupt as a child settles in after being away for a while or leaves for the other house can make a big difference.  Be sure to build in extra time around transitions in case big feelings do surface so you can give your child extra attention in the hours before and after they change households.

Use Laughter to Build Closeness and Reduce Tension

Laughter and physical play can be the antidote to tension that arises in any family, and in blended families it can be used strategically during transition days or to build the relationship between stepparents and stepchildren, as well as between new and old siblings.

Look for places where your children laugh and keep that laughter going.  Be the goofy one who chases them through the house but can’t quite catch them, let them be the victorious one, while you’re the big, bumbling loser.

Play and laughter can reduce tension and unify step-families in a wonderful way.

Find Someone to Listen to You

Whether it’s the challenges of roughhousing, making the space for the storm of emotions that can erupt in any household, or the sadness of saying goodbye to a child as they go off with daddy, parents need someone they can talk to relieve the stress of parenting in a blended family.

Talking about the stresses of blended families is an essential survival tool.

Find someone outside of your family to get support from.  A friend, a neighbor, another parent or step-parent – someone who can just listen without giving advice.  Allow each person to take 15 to 30 minutes to talk, or cry, or laugh about how hard step-families can be at times.

You can also use this time to talk about all the things that drive you crazy about your stepchild or biological child. Tell your listener the things you would never say to your children, and probably shouldn’t say to your partner, but are important to get off your chest.

Finding someone to talk to who won’t jump in with their own experience or tell you how to handle your next conflict can be enormously refreshing and can eventually help you enjoy your stepchildren (or your biological kids) even more.

Find Activities That Unite, Not Alienate, Step-children and Step-parents

A step-dad can feel like the odd parent out if mom and her daughter have a ritual of rollerblading every weekend and the step dad isn’t so good on wheels.  Find activities that step-parents and step-children can do together to bridge the gap.  One step-dad I know plays tennis with his step-son every Saturday afternoon while the mom takes their daughters to swimming lessons.

Always Speak of Other Parents with Respect

Although it may seem obvious, it’s not always easy.  In the heat of the moment when you’re angry or frustrated at the parent who lives in the other household, keep negative comments or tension away from the children.

All children want their parents to be respected (no matter how much conflict or hurt has ensued between them).  And all parents deserve to be respected, even in their darkest moments.  Children shouldn’t be in the middle of or privy to conflict between parents who are separated.

What children really want is for their parents to get along.  But because that’s not always possible, at least be respectful of one another.  Even if a parent is no longer in the picture and the child has lost all contact with their mother or father – we can still remind him that his mother who can no longer live with him will always love him.

Find a Respite From the Storm

Even the most dedicated step-parent can get exhausted, overwhelmed, and on the way to burn-out.  Step-parents need a place to go to blow off steam and to feel connected with friends and other family.

That might mean taking a good novel to another room of the house for a while, or calling a loved one while walking around the block when things get to be too much.

Or better yet, plan an overnight to a place in nature with a good friend.  Just as parents need time to refuel and reconnect with people they are close to, step-parents also need a respite from the stress of step-parenting.

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